This is an article written by the wonderful Gina Lance. Gina is the current editor of TG LIFE, and the once was editor of groundbreaking transgender magazine, GIRL TALK. With over a decade’s experience being out of the TG Closet under her belt, Gina knows what she’s talking about.
Over the years many people have asked me about my first times out of the house, dressed! I always say that I was terrified, exhilarated, scared to death, thrilled and I experienced more emotions in those few short hours combined than I had ever faced in my life!
Okay, I wasn’t too clumsy, my wig didn’t fly off, I didn’t look too terrible, and compared to many ‘first night out’ stories I’ve heard from friends, it was pretty calm. Except I wasn’t.
In my book GET DRESSED (which was published last year and has sold many, many copies – Thank You!) I told my story which is pretty much like many of yours. I experimented with my mother’s clothing as a child, and fortunately had a few girlfriends over the years that wanted to see what I looked like as a woman, with makeup, at home.
In the early 1980’s I had dressed as a female for a Halloween party at my house, but never ventured out the door. In the mid 1980’s my then girlfriend did my makeup and dressed me like a cheerleader to go to a West Hollywood Halloween party. I fit right in, in West Hollywood, that is! For a third Halloween in the early 1990’s I went to a private party dressed – not a stretch again.
But that’s when the feeling began overtaking me that I didn’t want to be just dressed as a female if only it was a Halloween costume; I wanted to dress as a woman and meet other crossdressers. I had to talk to others just like me – not just show up at a party dressed on the one day of the year that you could virtually wear anything. I wanted to know from others that they had the same feelings I had. I wanted to reassure myself that I really wasn’t the only one out there and that other crossdressers did exist, and did venture out.
Here’s an excerpt from my book:
On a business trip to Los Angeles in 1995 I finally got up the nerve to purchase a ‘tranny’ magazine at an adult store. It was the first I had ever seen and I couldn’t believe it. There were other people in it that looked like me and a whole new world opened up. Sure, they weren’t living next door, or down the street as far as I knew, but they existed. Men who enjoyed wearing women’s clothes! I secretly sent for several other magazines and slowly my collection grew. And I realized that there were men who dressed as women that identified as straight. Even though I had never met another person just like myself, I was beginning to feel that I finally wasn’t alone.
I decided to tell my wife that I thought I was a crossdresser. It seemed the honest thing to do. But it was hardly accepted with the response I had hoped for. She wanted to know why I hadn’t told her before we were married and I couldn’t offer a solid answer other than “I wasn’t really sure then”. She cried for an hour even after I left the room and I sat in embarrassment waiting for her to calm down. For the next six months I drank heavily, hoping the alcohol would bury my thoughts and kill my desires to want to dress. It didn’t. When I had finally had enough of torturing myself, I began a workout regimen and dropped twenty pounds. My wife and I didn’t speak of crossdressing and everything seemed back to normal. Except it wasn’t. I had a huge 200 lb. gorilla sitting on my shoulders waiting to be released.
On my birthday in 1996 I decided for once to give myself a present. I had to make a trip to Los Angeles in a week so I ventured to the local Penney’s and purchased a mint green nylon nightgown and robe for ‘my wife’ which I still have to this day. A week later I was in LA on business and hastily purchased a wig and makeup from several different stores. That night in a lonely hotel room my future started to take shape. With my new purchase, and my collections of clothing cast offs from my wife, I dressed and slept looking like a woman.
I still hadn’t said a word about this to my wife and a month later I was again in Los Angeles where I ventured into the now closed Lydia’s Boutique in Sherman Oaks, California. I felt like all crossdressers do as they walk from their car for the first time into a transformation boutique. I was positive everyone driving or walking by knew what I was up to and was watching where I was going. I was scared to death but did, with a little help, purchase two outfits and a pair of shoes. Then I drove over to the Jim Bridges Boutique in Studio City and met a person who would help to start shaping my future.
Jim Bridges had a long history in the makeup business which included teaching product application at Revlon in New York. Several crossdressers were in his store and after talking to Jim for a few moments, I took his card and hastily beat a retreat. This trip would be too short for him to make me up, so I would still have to wait a bit. During the next several weeks I called Jim and made an appointment. And a month later I was back in L.A., checking into a hotel, and nervously driving to his studio.
Jim helped me find more appropriate clothing than I already had purchased and I put it on. I was shaking with nervousness changing into women’s clothes with others in the studio, even if a dressing room curtain did shield me. When finished, I made my way to his makeup chair. The best thing I can say about Jim, who no longer works in the business, is how big a heart he had. He did his best that night in calming me down and quelling what fears I had. After an hour had passed he put a wig on me and turned me to his wall mirror. I was speechless. I didn’t look foolish, or ugly; I looked like a woman. The woman I had always dreamed I could be. Or at least a prequel to it. A friend of Jim’s snapped a few pictures of me and then Jim insisted I meet others and walked me to the nearby Queen Mary Show Lounge. That’s when the reality struck. The only other times I had ever been out in public dressed was at Halloween, the traditional excuse for being outrageous. This wasn’t Halloween, it was June, and I was dressed as a woman.
So you see, my life in many ways probably mirrors many of your own experiences. Of course, I had a stage background, music and acting, so in many ways I had a flair for the dramatic. But for many years, I felt the loneliness and fears that many of you feel, and have felt too! The only way to overcome those fears, for me, was to admit to myself who and what I was, and embrace it instead of being ashamed. And I have never looked back.
Now…
Get Dressed, Get Out, Be Safe and Have Fun!
