This is actually an exchange between a reader and I. He wrote to me asking what he should do about his girlfriend of six months who was initially very understanding about lingerie, but recently has become upset by it. I did give him some advice, and because this is such a common problem for men trying to juggle a lingerie fetish and a relationship, I asked if he minded me posting a portion of his letter and my response on the site. He very graciously agreed, so my thanks go to him.
I’ve opened up comments at the end of this, so if you have an opinion, feel free to weigh in!
I have been cross dressing since I can remember. I think my first exposure to lingerie had to come at home of course. I was raised in a single mother home with my Mom and sister and I remember I would walk in on them by accident while they were dressing and wondered what all the fuss was about! I discovered my Mom and my sister’s underwear drawer and never looked back since.
I carried a tremendous amount of guilt around in my younger days, thinking I was some kind of pervert or psychologically messed up man who was going to need counseling one day for it. I even went through a failed marriage because my cold “English” wife didn’t understand my desire to be close to her lingerie and panties.
Now that I’m a little more mature in my years, I don’t give a damn anymore and now when I enter a relationship, I let them know fairly early in the relationship of my little desires and if they don’t like it…..they know where the door is. But do let me tell you about one problem I’m having and maybe you have some advice.
My most recent girlfriend of 6 months is at a critical point I believe. When I first broke the news to her a few months ago, she was all so sweet and understanding! I was so relieved that she was so open about it and so sweet. But I think it was a front, because on several occasions when we have spoken more about it, she gets frustrated with me very quickly and then says comments like “I’m beginning to wonder if you like my damn lingerie more than me”!
So, I now feel that I must go back into seclusion because I may lose her over it. I was talking with her again this morning and made a simple comment about “Why is it that I can walk into a shoe store and find over 100 pair of stylish winter boots for women and yet they’ll only dedicate one stupid shelf to men and they will be the most horrific poor quality friggin’ boots”?!! I get so upset at how unfair designers are to men about any kind of fashion. So I simply made a few jokes about “oh, that’s it, I think I should have been born a woman”. “I am going to start buying woman’s clothes from now on, wearing panties, dresses and stylish boots and then I don’t have to be so nervous all the time about it”. Well, you would have thought I had told her I wanted to start taking up swinging with her! She got all upset and told me she doesn’t like when I talk that way and she even started to cry a few tears.
Hope…..was she lying to me all this time? Does she really detest my desires so much? Am I wasting my time again with a woman like this? The feminine side of me is very important and I’m not going to go back into seclusion because of a woman again Hope. I’ve been doing it for many years and it must come to end at some point. I don’t feel I’m some weird man, I just simply love the way lingerie feels against my body and I enjoy the softer feminine things that a woman enjoys! Is this so wrong?
My response…
Well Dave, from a woman’s perspective, I can tell you this. It sounds likely that you are spending way too much time talking to her about lingerie and not enough time talking to her about her.
Women have a tendency to be insecure at the best of times, and when something new comes along which the man they love is attracted to, jealousy is highly likely to arise.
A few months ago when you introduced it, you two were in your lovey dovey phase. You could have told her you liked to wear the fur of fuzzy kittens and she may very well have made an exception for you. Now you’re six months in, the initial burst of romance between you has faded, but your love for lingerie and women’s things is still prevalent.
Chris Rock said it best; women need food, water, shelter and compliments.
You’re not a bad person and you don’t need to go into the closet again, you know what you need to do? Give her some attention without mentioning or wearing lingerie or women’s clothing. She’s expressing her insecurity, and it doesn’t sound like you’re hearing what she’s saying. Spend some intimate and non intimate time with her, just her, and I think you will find her attitude improves and she becomes a lot happier.
Remember, there are two of you in this, and just because she understands your lingerie fetish it doesn’t mean that she wants it to be ‘the other woman’. It can be very hard for any woman to accept that their man desires anything but them. I doubt she was lying when she said that she understood and accepted your fetish, but she may not have understood how large a role it plays in your life. I sincerely believe that some time, some reassurance and some fun for her sans lingerie will get things back on track.
