This is the final part of the series from GR8legs about meeting his anima. This has been a really interesting and insightful series and I’ll be posting it as a complete page soon. My thanks to Gr8legs for his considerable contribution to the site and to readers’ understandings of what it is for one man to wear women’s clothing.
Crossing the Rubicon
Following on from the elation that I‘d felt after trying the waist cincher for size before buying, I once again found myself in the same shopping centre on the Friday. As I wandered around, I found myself being drawn into one particular shop. I had never had the intention, nor did I feel I would ever move into the world of also wearing female outer garments, but as I was browsing in the store I found myself seeking out a skirt and top, as well as a belt to complete the outfit.
That evening my girlfriend came to my house and I dressed in the outfit to show her my new purchases. She loved the outfit and I talked with her about “Ava”. As we were standing outside on the patio, I walked across to put my empty beer bottle in the rubbish bin. I strode across in a relaxed, confident manner and when I returned to stand beside my girlfriend, she put her arms around my neck, gave me a big kiss and with a bigger smile told me that she’d never seen me so relaxed & confident in all the time she’s known me. She then said that she likes Ava and that she’s glad I’ve finally made friends with her.
“I am a transvestite” There, I’ve said it!
I have spent all my adult life living with the fear of shame and embarrassment that would overwhelm me if my secret were to be discovered and so hid my secret away. I’ve never thought of myself as a transvestite/ crossdresser. I have always thought of myself as a guy with a fetish for wearing lingerie and then last year, during the last few months leading up to my separation from my wife of nearly 14 years, it started to become more than just a sex thing; I began wearing female lingerie under my male clothes as a part of my normal life. I then began to think of myself as a lingerie-wearing-man, but still not as a “crossdresser”.
Then last week happened. During that week I had joked with myself that I was having some fun with and making friends with my anima and it was almost as though by acknowledging her in this manner, I allowed her to emerge, culminating in last Friday’s purchase of female outer clothing. I began to read more and, after reading Dr Watson’s Gender Disorientation Scales in an article on Wikipedia I was left with the inescapable conclusion that I am a transvestite. According to the criteria set down in Dr Watson’s gender disorientation and indecision scales, as applied to biological males, I fall somewhere between Group One (low intensity) and Group Two (medium intensity). According to Kinsey’s sexual orientation scale, I fall into category 0 – exclusively heterosexual with no homosexual experience.
Where to from here?
I know that the answers lie within me and I need the guidance of my avatar to uncover them. I have been experimenting with make-up and now know that I don’t want to mimic females in such a manner as to want to be able to pass as one. Today I wore my high heeled boots all day. I did notice a couple of odd looks from one or two people, but most either didn’t notice or didn’t care. The only comment I received came from a (male) lawyer with whom I had met to discuss some business. As I was leaving the meeting he asked me “How do you walk in those high heels?” I smiled as I replied, “With good posture and balance”.
After leaving a second meeting in the afternoon with another (female) lawyer, who had made no comment regarding my choice of footwear, I found myself walking through the city with a relaxed and confident air and a “Who cares?” attitude.
I’m pleased I made friends with Ava, my anima. As I stated above, she’s been with me all my life and will be until the day I die. Since I’ve made friends with her I feel a lot happier and more peaceful than I can remember having felt for years. As I wrote above, I have always felt relaxed and comfortable in exclusively female company and for most of my adult life, many of my closest friends have been female. Now I have a new female friend, Ava and she makes me relaxed and comfortable; she makes me feel good about myself.